A Blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom.
She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, "I've kidnapped you."
She then wrote a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, A Blonde."
The Blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents.
The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree.
The Blonde opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow Blonde?"
A scouser walks into the local job centre, marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi... You know, I just HATE drawing benefit. I'd really rather have a job."
The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent sir! We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his nymphomaniac, underwear-model daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You will have to satisfy her sexual urges. You'll have a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is £200,000 a year".
The guy says, "You're bullsh*tting me!"
The social worker says, "Yeah, well... you started it!!!"
john pulled out 6 people from a burning house but was still jailed. why? because all the six were firebrigade staff...
By: Syriian Princezz
A man comes running to the doctor shouting & screaming in pain "Please doctor you've got to help me. I've been stung by a bee."
DOCTOR: "Don't worry; I'll put some cream on it."
MAN: "You will never find that bee. It must be miles away by now."
DOCTOR: "No you don't understand! I'll put some cream on the place you were
MAN: "Oh! it happened in the garden where I was sitting under a tree"
DOCTOR (in anger): "No, no you IDIOT! I mean on which part of your body did
that bee sting."
MAN (still screaming in pain): "On my finger! The bee stung me on my finger
and it really hurts"
DOCTOR (banging his fist, abusing and shouting): "Which one?"
MAN (innocently): "How am i to know? All bees look the same to me."
A blonde goes into a laundry mat and asks to have her sweater cleaned. The laundromat attendant doesn't hear her correctly and says, "come again?" The blonde blushes slightly and giggles, "oh, no it's just mustard this time."
a stranger to a woman(romantically);whisper those three words that will make me walk on air;woman(furiously). GO HANG YOURSELF.
ur mama is so stupid one time she was locked in a supermarket and she starved to death....
An Israeli recently arrives at London's Heathrow airport. As he fills out a form, the customs officer asks him: "Occupation?"
The Israeli promptly replies: "No, just visiting!"
A homsi to a girl: i want to marry you.
girl: but i'm a year older than you
homsi: OK, i'll marry you next year!
Definition of a Gynaecologist: Someone who looks for problems
where others look for pleasure!!!
One day, the phone rang, and a little boy answered.
"May I speak to your parents?"
"Oh. Is anybody else there?"
"Can I speak to them?"
"Oh. Is anybody else there?"
"Can I speak to them?"
"So let me get this straight -- your parents, the police, and the firemen are there, but they're all busy? What are they doing?"
"Lookin for me."
Little Billy came home from school to see the families pet rooster dead in the front yard. Rigor Mortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air. When his Dad came home Billy said, "Dad our roosters dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why are his legs sticking in the air?"
His father thinking quickly said, "Son, that's so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven."
"Gee Dad that's great," said little Billy. A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Billy rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad, Dad we almost lost Mom today!"
"What do you mean?" said Dad.
"Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming, "Jesus I'm coming, I'm coming" If it hadn't of been for Uncle George holding her down we'd have lost her for sure!"
once a homsi was walking down the street he saw a car with a sign on it, watch the paint so he sat there the whole time.
A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year-old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?"
The man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex."
"Oh I see," replied the boys pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."
He looks over the display and picks up a package of three and asks, "Why are there three in this package."
The dad replies, "Those are for high-school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."
"Cool!" says the boy. He notices a pack of six and asks "Then who are these for?"
"Those are for college men," the dad answers, "Two for Friday, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday."
"Wow!" exclaimed the boy. "Then who uses these?" he asks, picking up a 12-pack.
With a sigh, the dad replied, "Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March."
By: Syrian Princess
yo mama's so ugly, when she looks in the mirror, her reflection gives her the finger!!!!=}