A man was speeding down a Alabama highway, feeling secure in a gaggle of cars all traveling at the same speed. However, as they passed a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared speed detector and was pulled over.
The officer handed him the citation, received his signature and was about to walk away when the man asked, "Officer, I know I was speeding, but I don't think it's fair - there were plenty of other cars around me who were going just as fast, so why did I get the ticket?"
"Ever go a fishin'?" the policeman suddenly asked the man.
"Ummm, yeah..." the startled man replied.
The officer grinned and added, "Did you ever catch 'em all?"
A policeman was interrogating 3 blondes who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first blonde a picture for 5 second and then hides it.
"This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"
The first blonde answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"
The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture shows his PROFILE."
Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second blonde and asks her, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"
The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"
The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?? Of course only one eye and one ear are SHOWING because it's a picture of his profile!! Is that the best answer you can come up with?"
Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third blonde and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"
He quickly adds "...think hard before giving me a stupid answer."
The blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "Hmmmm...the suspect wears contact lenses."
The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. "Well, that's an interesting answer...wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that."
He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face. "Wow! I can't believe it...it's TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?"
"That's easy," the blonde replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."
A man is walking around New York with his wife. They find a perfume shop, the wife goes in, and he waits outside. A hooker comes along and says to him, "Like to come home with me, buddy?", "For how much?" asks the man. "One hundred dollars." "I'll give you five bucks." The girl spits at him and walks away. A little later, the man's wife comes out of the shop and they continue their walk. On the first corner they come to there is the same hooker. She takes one look at the man and his wife and says, "You see? You see what you get for five bucks?"
By: aLeX DeL PieRo
Once a homsi went to a restauant & ordered a pizza,so the waiter asked him:
-Would you like me to cut it in 6 slices or 12?
he anwsered : cut it in 6, i cant eat 12 pieces.
Abou El Abed was asked by his instructor to write an essay in English about any interesting encounter that happened recently with him.
So he wrote in a classical translation from Arabic to English:
From some 2 months 3 -I recognized a girl in the tooth of the elephant.(sen el fil) She was other look and like the moon! Burn her religion(ye7re2 dina)what beautiful. I tried to touch her pulse to see if there is space and it appeared that she is interested. The first day I talked her on the phone and the second day she invited me on the lunch I asked her "what you kitchenized?"(shou teibkha) She said "some of his mother's yoghurt on the walking"(shwayyet laban emmo 3al meishi) I liked her project and before I arrived to her, I went to the Milker(al 7allab) and bought some" lady's arms"(znoud l sett) and some "eat and say thank you"(kol w shkor) She opened me the door and when she saw the handsome(l 7elo) in my hand she said "yiiiii! your hands be safe why torture yourself my uncle?" While we are eating, rang the doorbell. She opened the door and entered her old boyfriend. He asked her "who is he?", she said "not your entry" I knew straight he wanted to problemize it(baddo ymashkela) He said "my eye on you and on him, I will count God not create you!"(be7sob alla ma khala2ik) I said "look, my head does not carry me break the evil before the gypsy milk goes up huh! Go pave the sea(ballet l ba7er) and bleach from my face now!" The man felt on his blood(7ass 3a dammo) and left the room. In the truth, he poisoned my body(sammalei badanei) very much. But the girl gave breakfast to my nerves(rawwa2et a3sabi) She said "don't carry worry, my life don't carry worry put your hands in cold water" I told her "like my foot,(metel ejrei) tell me, are you empty tonight?" She said "yes, I emptify myself for you". I told her "thank you my love, you are very digestible(mahdoumei)"!
how do you get a homsi out of the bath tub??? you turn on the water
why is 6 afraid of 7?Because 7 8 9!
A father asked his son:When was Rome built.The son answered :At night.Surprised,the father asked how is that.The son said the teacher said:"Rome was not built in a day."
For two solid hours, the lady sitting next to a man on an airplane had told him about her grandchildren. She had even produced a plastic-foldout photo album of all nine of the children.
She finally realized that she had dominated the entire conversation on her grandchildren.
"Oh, I've done all the talking, and I'm so sorry. I know you certainly have something to say. Please, tell me... what do you think of my grandchildren?"
A farmer had so many children, he ran out of names, so he started naming his kids after something around the farm. The first day of school began, and the teacher asked each child their name. When he got to one of the farmer's sons, the boy replied "Wagon Wheel".
The teacher said... "I need your REAL name, son", to which he boy replied, "It's Wagon Wheel, sir... Really".
The teacher... in a huff said, "Alright young man... march yourself right down to the principal's office THIS minute!!!!"
The boy got out of his chair, turned to his sister and said, "Come on, Chicken Shit... he ain't gonna believe YOU, neither!"
A woman got on a bus holding a baby.
The bus driver said: "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen."
In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus.
The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.
"The bus driver insulted me," she fumed.
The man sympathized and said: "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers."
"You're right," she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind."
"That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."
A small boy is sent to bed by his father...
[Five minutes later]
"I'm thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?"
"No. You had your chance. Lights out."
[Five minutes later]
"I'm THIRSTY...Can I have a drink of water??"
"I told you NO! If you ask again I'll have to spank you!!"
[Five minutes later]
"When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a drink of water?"
By the time a sailor pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken.
"You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed, I don't care where."
"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant - an Air Force guy," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."
"No problem," the tired Navy man assured him. "I'll take it."
The next morning the sailor came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "How'd you sleep?" asked the manager.
The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?"
"Nope, I shut him up in no time" said the Navy guy.
"How'd you manage that?" asked the manager.
"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," the sailor explained.
"I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,'and he sat up all night watching me."
There were once these two guys that were really close friends, but they also were heavy smokers. One day the two guys decided that if one of them dies, then the other one must smoke instead of him.
A couple of months pass by and one of the guys die. The other friend is sad but he remembers his promise, so he takes out two cigarettes, one for him and one for his friend. As people walk by, they ask him, "Why are you smoking two cigarettes?". And he told them that he was smoking for his friend and for himself.
A couple of months pass and the people see the guy smoking one cigarette. They ask him, "Why did you stop smoking two cigarettes?". He said, "I quit smoking, but i'm still smoking for my friend."
There was once a four story building that had a shoemaker, an author, a blind man, and a grouchy old woman. One day the old woman decided to take a bath and right when she got in the tub, her doorbell rang. She put on her bathrobe and answered the door. It was the shoemaker.
"Guess what? Guess what?", said the shoemaker.
"What?", said the old lady
"I sold my first pair of shoes!"
"That's great", said the old lady and she slammed the door on his face.
She went back to her bath and as soon as she stepped in, the doorbell rang. It was the author.
"Guess what? Guess what?", said the author.
"What?", said the old woman. She was getting annoyed.
"I sold my first book"
"That's great", and she slammed the door on his face.
The pissed off old lady went back to her bath. She was so tired of all this. To her utter dismay, as soon as she got in the tub, the doorbell rang again.
The old lady knew that the only person left in the building was the blind man, so she didn't bother putting on her bathrobe.
She went to the door and answered it.
"Guess what? Guess what?", said the blind man.
"What?", said the old woman.
"I CAN SEE!"