A construction worker at the top of a high scaffold needed a handsaw. He
yelled down to his co-worker on the ground, but the guy couldn't make
out what he was saying. The first guy tries some impromptu sign
language: He points at his eye meaning "I", points at his knee meaning
"need," and moves his hand back and forth in a sawing motion.
The man on the ground nodded his head, pulled down his pants, and
The man at the top of the scaffold couldn't believe his eyes. He went
through a window, charged downstairs, and started screaming at his
co-worker. "What the hell is wrong with you? I said I need handsaw!"
The second guy replied, "I know what you meant... I was just trying to
tell you that I'm coming."
A Mother had 3 virgin daughters. They were all getting married within a short time period. Because Mom was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started, she made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex felt.
The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card said nothing but "Maxwell House".
Mom was puzzled at first, but then went to the kitchen and got out the Maxwell House jar. It said: "Good 'til the last drop."
Mom blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.
The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding, and the card read: "Benson&Hedges".
Mom now knew to go straight to her husband's cigarettes, and she read from the Benson&Hedges pack: "Extra Long. King Size".
She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter.
The third girl left for her honeymoon in the Caribbean. Mom waited for a week, nothing. Another week went by and still nothing. Then after a whole month, a card finally arrived. Written on it with shaky handwriting were the words "British Airways". Mom took out her latest Harper's Bazaar magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for BA.
The ad said: "Three times a day, seven days a week, both ways."
A beautiful woman was walking on the roof of a tall block of flats. As she was walking near the edges she slipes and accidentaliy fell of down the side. She was falling and falling and falling thinking, oh no i'm going to die, when all of a sudden a jew leaning over from his balcony caught her. She was so relieved that she said "thankyou thankyou, you saved my life i'll do anything for you" so the jew seeing how beautiful she was said "ok, sleep with me then" and the woman says "oh you filthy scoundrel how dare you" and so the jew says "ok fine then, don't" and he drops her. So now shes falling and falling again thinking oh no i'm going to die when a christian leaning over from his balcony catches her. she says to him "oh thankyou,thankyou you saved my life i'll do anything for you" and so the christain seeing how beautiful she is says "ok sleep with me then" and so she replies "o you filthy scoundrel how dare you" and so the christain replies "fine don't then" and drops her. So now shes falling again and thinking "oh no i' am going to really die now, i should have just slept with one of them, atleast i would have lived" when all of a sudden a muslim leaning over from his balcony catches her. she is so relieved that she says "oh thankyou thankyou you saved my life, i'll sleep with you now" and the muslim says "astagfirullah" and drops her.
how does the homsi kill a fish ??????? he drownes it in water
This guy walks into a bar on the top of a very tall building. He sits down, orders a huge beer, chugs it, walks over to the window, and jumps out. Five minutes later, the guy walks into the bar again, orders another huge beer, chugs it, walks over to the window, and jumps out again. Five minutes later, he re-appears and repeats the whole thing.
About half an hour later, another guy at the bar stops the first guy and says, "Hey, how the heck are you doing that?!" The first guy responds, "Oh, it's really simple physics. When you chug the beer, it makes you all warm inside and since warm air rises, if you just hold your breath you become lighter than air and float down to the sidewalk."
"WOW!" exclaims the second man, "I gotta try that!" So he orders a huge beer, chugs it, goes over to the window, jumps out, and splats on the sidewalk below. The bartender looks over to the first man and says, "Superman, you're a real Butt when you're drunk."
A married couple is driving down the interstate doing 55 mph. The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him and says, "Honey, I know we've been married for 15 years, but, I want a divorce."
The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 60 mph. She then says, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and he's a better lover than you." Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as his anger increases.
She says, "I want the house." Again the husband speeds up, and now is doing 70 mph.
She says, "I want the kids too." The husband just keeps driving faster, and faster, now he's up to 80 mph.
She says, "I want the car, the checking account, and all the credit cards too." The husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass piling, as she says, "Is there anything you want?"
The husband says, "No, I've got everything I need."
She asks, "Really? What's that?"
The husband replies just before they hit the wall at 90 mph, "I've got the airbag."
According to a news report, a certain private school recently was faced with a unique problem.
A number of middle school girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.
Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back.
Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man.
She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the maintenance man who had to clean the mirrors every night.
To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.
He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.
Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
One elderly couple is visiting another for supper. The two women go into the kitchen for a moment, leaving the men to talk.
One of the men says to the other, "The Mrs. and I went to the nicest restaurant last night."
"Is that right?" the other inquires, "What was it called?"
"That's just it," he replies "I can't recall. "Say, what's the name of that red flower that has thorns all over it?"
"A rose?" he responds.
"YEAH, THAT'S IT!" he says energetically.
He then whirls around and yells into the kitchen, "Hey, Rose! What was the name of that restaurant we went to last night!?"
A blonde and a brunette are walking down the street and pass a flower shop where the brunette happens to see her boyfriend buying flowers. She sighs and says, "Oh, crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again.....for no reason." The blonde looks quizzically at her and says, "What's the big deal, don't you like getting flowers?" The brunette says, "Oh sure.....but he always has expectations after getting me flowers, and I just don't feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air." The blonde says, "Don't you have a vase?"
Three women are about to be executed.
One's a brunette, one's a redhead and one's a blonde.
The guard brings the brunette forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.
She says no and the executioner shouts, ''Ready! Aim!'' Suddenly the brunette yells, ''EARTHQUAKE!!!''Everyone is startled and throws themselves on the ground while she escapes.
The guard brings the redhead forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.
She says no and the executioner shouts, ''Ready! Aim!''
Suddenly the redhead yells, ''TORNADO!!!'' Everyone is startled and looks around for cover while she escapes.
By now the blonde has it all figured out.
The guard brings her forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.
She says no and the executioner shouts, Ready! Aim!''
and the blonde yells, ''FIRE!!!'''
a homsi and his wife was at hamma.There was a water wheel.the homsi's wife asked the man if she could ride the farris wheel.The man replied "Im sorry there washing it right now!"
A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are stuck on an island.
One day, the three of them are walking along the beach and discover a magic lamp. They rub and rub, and sure enough, out pops a genie.
The genie says, "Since I can only grant three wishes, you may each have one."
The brunette says, "I've been stuck here for years. I miss my family, my husband, and my life. I just want to go home."
POOF! The brunette gets her wish and she is returned to her family.
Then, the red head says, "I've been stuck here for years as well. I miss my family, my husband, and my life. I wish I could go home too."
POOF! The redhead gets her wish and she is returned to her family.
The blonde starts crying uncontrollably.
The genie asks, "My dear, what's the matter?"
The blonde whimpers, "I wish my friends were still here."
At the Pediatrician
A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the
pediatrician to come in for the baby's first check-up. The doctor
arrived and began to examine the little boy. His length was good, as
were his eyes, ears and throat. When the doctor checked the baby's
weight, though, he became a little concerned.
"Is this baby breast-fed or bottle-fed?" asked the doctor.
"He's breast-fed," the woman replied.
"Hmmm. Raise your shirt please," said the doctor. The woman did as she
was asked. The doctor pinched her nipples. He pressed, kneaded, and
rubbed her breasts vigorously for a few minutes. As he motioned to her
to get pull her shirt down, he said, "No wonder this baby is
underweight. You don't have any milk."
"Of course not," the woman said. "I'm his aunt... but I'm sure glad I
The woman seated herself in the psychiatrist's office. "What seems
to be the problem?" the doctor asked.
"Well, I, uh..." she stammered. "I think I, uh, might be a
"I see," he said. "I can help you, but I must advise you that my fee
is $80 an hour."
"That's not bad," she replied. "How much for all night?"
A man has been living with a severe stutter for most of his life. He
finally decides to go to the doctor to see if his speech impediment can
be cured. The doctor examines the man and asks him to drop his pants.
Out pops a gigantic penis.
"The root of the problem," the doctor said, "is strain on your vocal
chords. The pull of gravity on your huge member is being transmitted up
to the neck area."
The patient asked, "W-w-w-well, wh-wh-at can be d-d-done ab-b-bout
"Modern surgery can work miracles," the doctor replied. "We can replace
your organ with one of perfectly average size. Your stutter will
disappear within hours of the operation."
The patient eagerly agreed to the surgery, and as promised his
stuttering disappeared. About 3 weeks later the man returned to the
doctor with a small complaint.
"Doctor, I am grateful to you for having cured me, but my wife really
misses my old penis. Rather than continue to disappoint her with this
average one, I've decided to get my old penis back and live with the
The doctor looked straight at the man and replied, "D-d-deal's a