A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:
Officer: May I see your driver's license?
Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.
Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.
Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.
Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?
Driver: Yes, sir.
Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain.
The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:
Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
Driver: Sure. Here it is.
It was valid.
Captain: Who's car is this?
Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the owner' card.
The driver owned the car.
Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?
Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.
Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.
Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.
Driver: No problem.
Trunk is opened; no body.
Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.
Driver: Yeah, I'll bet the liar told you I was speeding, too
A little girl passes infront of her parents' room,takes one quick look and keeps going.
She says to herself "And they wanna send me to the shrink for sucking my fingers...."
(to some chic...gr8 jokes)
There was a boy and a girl. The boy wanted to go to jail to visit his dad and the girl wanted to go to the hospital to visit her mom. So, there is this bus goign around 1 mile per an hour and it spinning extremly fast around, and around. Both of them want to go to the bus but the bus is going super fast how are they goign to get to the bus if its goign super fast??? The answer is the boy will push the girl by the bus and goes to jail for pushing her and she goes to the hospital because she got injured very bad.
one day a blonde walks into a bar and tells the owner that she wants to buy the T.V in there while pointing at it... so they guy tells her "we don't sell blondes in here." she went back home and dyed her red. she went to the bar again and asked for the same T.V... but the guy tells her "we don't sell blondes in here."... she went back home and dyed her hair black.. she went to the bar again and asks the guy for the same T.V again... so the guy reapeats for the third time "we don't sell blondes"..she got really pissed so she asked him.."i dyed my hair three times... how did u know that i'm a blonde?"....he told her..."you have been pointing at a microwave...not a T.V!!!"
ur mama is so stupid that when she went to the theater and read "under 17 are not permitted" she went back and got 16 of her friends....lol if u want!!!
By: shadis kitten
A Jew, an Italian, and a Greek all die and are at the gates of heaven. St. Peter tells them: You are all guilty of horrible crimes and must go to hell. He tells the Jew: you are guilty of greed. He tells the Italian: you are guilty of gluttony. He tells the Greek: you are guilty of homosexuality. He tells them all: I will let you have one more chance since God is a forgiving God. He sends them back to Earth to sin no more. The three are walking down the street together when the Italian says: Do you think he meant what he said? But just then he saw a pizzaria and yelled: Yea! Pizza! As he entered the door "POOF" he disappeared. The Jew and the Greek looked at each other in shock. They decided they had better be more careful. a few paces later, the Jew sees a dollar on the ground and bends over to pick it up. "POOF" the Greek disappears!
woman standing nude, looks in bedroom mirror & says to her husband !" i look horrible fat & ugly pay me a compliment". husband replies your eyesights fucking spot on.
By: Hasna Z.
An Arab man came to America as a new immigrant, he would stroll down the city, and at times the mall. He wanted to get aquainted with the ways of the Americans. So one day during his usual stroll in the mall he stopped to look at a man that put a dollar into a coke machine, and pressed a botton. Soon a bottle of soda appeared on the bottom tray of the machine. The man picks it up and leaves. This was new to the Arab man, he's never seen anything like it. So he thought to give it a try. He took a dollar and inserted it into the machine, he pressed the botton and recieved a soda. Again the Arab man inserted another dollar, pressed another botton and recieved another bottle of soda. He did this multiple times. Soon there was a long line of people waiting for him to be done. Seeing that the Arab man had plenty of bottles to satisfy him a man in the back screams "Hurry up man!!" The Arab man turns to the American and tells him " Be quiet! As long as I keep winning the prize, I'm going to keep putting money!!!
*** Not to say that Arab Men are dumb, but we all need laughs sometimes!! :) ***
there was man and his wife waiting for a bus with thier 13 children and there was a blind man standing next to them...the bus arrives the children and the wife go on and the drver says there is no room left on the bus so the lind man and the father had to walk to the next stop....on the way there the man kept on hitting his stick on the ground and it was making aot of nois so the father says why dont u put a rubber at the end of your stick and thee blind man says if u put a rubber at the end of your stick we would be on the bus rite now..............aahahahhahahahahah :):)!!!
An international interviewer desided to make an interview with a (Homsi...)about the acheivments of Homsi's cultures between now and the old past so he went to Homs. As arriving there he found a Homsi and began the interview: " How are the achievments improved between your old and present ways of thinking of your cultures withen the centuries? the Homsi proudly replied " Our gradfathers were giving instant answers for quistions. For example, They say that 2*2=2 while now every thing improved. For example 5*5 now is not equal to 5. It means that five beat five so there are five killed and five in the jail"
There is a German, an American and a Homsi in prison, with 3 choices to die. The first way is to get shot, the second is to get hung, and the last is to get injected with HIV. So the German says shot me right in the head, and they did. The American said hang me, and they did. The Homsi said inject me with HIV. The first time they injected him he started laughing. The second time he did the same. The third time the guards asked him why he was laughing. He said,"hahahahahaha,nothing happened cause i was wearing a condom
At swim meet there is a blond brunette and a red head. They all had to swim the 800 using the breast stroke. So they go at it and the brunette comes in first than the red head than about 2 hours later the blond comes in and turns to the judges. She says and pionts they cheated. THey used there hands!!!!!!
DINER: Waiter!why is there a bug in my alphabet soup???
WAITER: It looks to me it's learning its alphabet.
two sheep are in the field. one of them was saying: maaaaaaaaaaaaa. the other was saying: mooooooooo. the first one says to the second one: hey we are sheep, you should say: maaaaaaaaaaa, why are you saying: moooooooooo?
the second one replies: i am learning a foreign language.