Three women, a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead robbed a bank. They were running from the police and hide in a barn. They climbed into three potato sacks to hide.
The police goes up to the first potato sack and kicks it, the brunette says "meow". The police says "oh it is just a cat".
He kicks the next potato sack and the redhead says "ruff ruff". The police says "oh it is just a dog.
The police kicks the third potato sack and the blonde says "p-o-t-a-t-o"....
A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley
motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop.
The surgeon was there, waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his bike.
The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey, Doc, can I ask you a question?"
The surgeon a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take valves out, fix 'em, put 'em back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"
The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic...
"Try doing it with the engine running."
There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing machines. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired. But several years later they contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multimillion dollar machines. They had tried everything, but to no avail.
The engineer reluctantly took on the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day he marked a small X in chalk on a particular component of the machine and proudly stated, “This is where your problem is!”
The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again. The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his services. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges.
The engineer responded briefly: “One chalk mark: $1. Knowing where to put it: $49,999.” Gifted Engineer
A young boy asks his Dad, 'What is the difference between confident and confidential?'
Dad says, 'You are my son, I'm confident about that. Your friend over there, is also my son, that's confidential!'
Man was praying to god.
He said, "God?"
God responded, " Yes?"
And the Guy said, " Can I ask a question?"
"Go right ahead", God said.
"God, what is a million years to you?"
God said, "A million years to me is only a second."
The man wondered.
Then he asked, "God, what is a million dollars worth to you?"
God said, "A million dollars to me is a penny."
So the man said, " God can I have a penny?"
And God cheerfully said,
"Sure!....... just a second."
A man called home to his wife and said, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing up in Canada with my boss & several of his Friends. We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that Promotion I'v been wanting, so could you please pack enough Clothes for a week and set
out my rod and fishing box we're Leaving From the office & I will swing by the house to pick my things up" "Oh! Please pack my new blue silk
The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being the good wife she is, did exactly what her husband asked. The following Weekend he came home a little tired but otherwise looking good.
The wife welcomed him home and asked if he caught many fish? He said, Yes! Lots of Salmon, some Bluegill, and a few Swordfish. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to Do?"
The wife replied, "I did. They're in your fishing box!!!”
Oneday a man asked a women, Do u wanna have a MAGIC SEX ?!!! the women replied "How we could do that ?!!! He answered , Well we sleep together and then you Disappear loool
Little RALPHY was sitting on a park bench, munching!
on one candy bar after another. After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, 'Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat.'
Little RALPHY replied, 'My grandfather lived to be 107 years old.'
The man asked, 'Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?'
Little RALPHY answered, 'No, he minded his own fuckin' business.
One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word 'beautiful' in the same sentence twice.
First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, 'My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it.'
'Very good, Suzie,' replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael. 'My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully.'
She said, 'Excellent, Michael!' Then the teacher reluctantly called on little RALPHY. 'Last night at
the dinner table, my sister told my father that she
was pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just fuckin'
Little RALPHY returns from school and says he got an (f) In arithmetic.
'Why?' asks the father?
'The teacher asked, 'How much is 2x3,'' I said '6', replies RALPHY.
'But that's right!' says his dad.
'Yeah, but then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?''
'What's the fuckin' difference?' asks th e father.
'That's what I said!'
Three guys and a lady were sitting at the bar talking about their professions.
The first guy says " I'm a Y.U.P.P.I.E, you know... Young, Urban, Professional, Peaceful, Intelligent, Ecologist."
The second guy says "I'm a D.I.N.K, you know... Double Income, No Kids."
The third guy says, " I'm a R.U.B, you know... Rich, Urban, Biker."
They turn to the woman and ask her, " What are you? "
She replies: " I'm a WIFE, you know...
Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc."
THE BLACK PANTIES
Anna had lost her husband almost 4 yrs ago. Her daughter was constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the world. Finally, Anna said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately replied, "Mom! I have
someone for you to meet." Well, it was an immediate hit.
They took to one another, and after dating for a couple of weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Wisconsin. Their first night there, she undressed as he did. There she stood nude, except for a pair of black lacy panties, he was in his birthday suit.
Looking her over, he asked, "Why the black panties?" She replied: "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning." He knew he was not getting lucky that night. The following night was the same she stood there wearing the black panties, and he was in his birthday suit--but now he was wearing a black condom. She looked at him & asked : "What's with the black condom?"
He replied, "I want to offer my deepest condolences."
A man was going on vacation and left his brother in charge of feeding his cat. After a week he called home to ask how it was going and the brother told him the cat was dead. The man told him he should have informed him in a more empathetic manner, first telling him the cat had chased a bird on the roof and fallen and was at the vets. The next day he could say the vet tried to save the cat but could not. The brother agreed he could have been more empathetic.
Next the man asked "How is Grandma". His brother replied, "Well, she was up on the roof chasing a bird..."
A city cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little girl stopped beside him on her shiny new bike.
Nice bike," the cop said, "Did Santa bring it to you?" "Yep," the little girl said, "He sure did!"
The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $20 ticket for a safety violation, saying, "Next year tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it."
The young girl looked up at the cop and said, "Nice horse you got there sir, did Santa bring it to you?" "Yes, he sure did," chuckled the cop.
The little girl looked up at the cop and said, "Next year tell Santa the dick goes underneath the horse, not on top.
One Monday morning a mailman is walking the neighborhood on his usual
route. As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were in
the driveway. His wonder was cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out
with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles.
"Wow Bob, looks like you guys had one heck of a party last night." the
Bob in obvious pain replies, "Actually we had it Saturday night. This
is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had
about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for a halloween
party and it got a bit wild. We got so drunk around midnight that we
started playing WHO AM I?"
The mailman thinks a moment and says, "How do you play that?"
"Well all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with
a sheet covering us and only our "privates" showing through a hole in the
sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is."
The mailman laughs and says, "Damn, I'm sorry I missed that."
"Probably a good thing you did," Bob responds, "Your name came up four
or five times."