A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for
a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him. The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink.
He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."
The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me too, I didn't know we had a choice.
A very loud, unattractive, mean woman walked into Wal-Mart in Blufton , SC with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
The Wal-Mart Greeter (a retired MP Colonel) says "Good morning, and welcome
to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"
The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Hell no they ain't. The oldest one's 9 and the other one's 6. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?
"I'm neither blind nor stupid", replied the Greeter. "I just couldn't believe you got laid twice."
A Miracle !
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man; that's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days." Flattered, the man replied, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely!" "This must be a sign from God!" The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man. The man asks, "Aren't you having any?" The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police..."
Some high school coaches went to a coaches' retreat. To save money, they had to sleep two to a room. No one wanted to room with Coach Daryl because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.
The first coach slept with Daryl and came to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.
The rest said, "Man, what happened to you?"
He said, "Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."
The next night it was a different coach's turn. In the morning, same thing --hair all standing up, eyes all blood-shot.
They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!"
He said, "Man, that Daryl shakes the roof. I watched him all night."
The third night was Frank's turn. Frank was a big burly ex-football player; a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed, fresh and bushy-tailed.
"Good morning!" he shouted.
They couldn't believe it! They said, "Man, what happened?"
He said, "Well, we got ready for bed, I took my clothes off, I went and tucked Daryl into bed and kissed him good night, and said to him "Good Night You handsome devil". He sat up and was awake watching me all night long."
By: sheikh Sam from Dubai
The Best "Out-Of-Office" E-Mail Auto-Replies:
1: I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position .
2: I'm not really out of the office. I'm just ignoring you.
3: You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.
4: Sorry to have missed you but I am at the doctors having my brain removed so that I may be promoted to management
5: I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return from vacation on 4/18. Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.
6: Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first ten words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.
7: The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again.'
( The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see how many in-duh-viduals did this over and over ).
8: Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.
9: Hi. I'm thinking about what you've just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.
10: Hi! I'm busy negotiating the salary for my new job. Don't bother to leave me any messages.
11: I've run away to join a different circus.
AND, FINALLY, THIS ONE TAKES THE CAKE:
12: I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons.
When I return, please refer to me as "Loretta" instead of "Steve"
President Bush pays Queen Elisabeth a return visit en is welcomed with a dignified reception.
The two heads of state are driven in a 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London where they change to a magnificent 17th century carriage hitched to six white horses.
They continue on towards Buckingham Palace, waving to the thousands of cheering Britons; all is going well.
Suddenly, the right rear horse lets fly with the most horrendous, earth-shattering fart ever heard in the British Empire.
The fart shakes the coach. The smell is atrocious!
Both passengers in the carriage must use perfume-dipped handkerchiefs over their nose, but the president does his best to ignore the incident.
The Queen turns to Bush saying, "Mr. President, please accept my regrets. I am sure you understand there are some things that even a Queen cannot control."
Bush, with his usual diplomatic aplomb, replies, "Your Majesty, do not give the matter another thought. Until you mentioned it, I thought it was one of the horses."
One day a teacher sarcastically said, "Would all the idiots please stand up" Then after a long silence, one student stood up. So the teacher said, "Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot??" "well actually I don't, but I hate to see you are the only one who is standing up.
two blondes are sitting together on a bench then one blonde says to the other, "ok. let's play a game...which is closer, the Moon or Florida?" 'Duuuuuuuhhhhhhh..the Moon...can you see Florida?"
One day a girl went with her father to his office and when they came back at the end of the day, the girl said "daddy, why did you call the secretary a doll??". Sensing his wife's eye on him he said, "Well dear, the secretary is hardworking, intelligent and effecient." "Oh, daddy, i thought you called her that because she closed her eyes when you laid her on the couch"
How do you know a woman is saying something smart??
She begins it with "a man once told me"
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her
husband stalking around with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?" She asked.
"Hunting Flies" He responded.
"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"
He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on
A Newfoundland couple, both well into their seventies, go to a sex therapist's office. The doctor says, "What can I do for you?"
The man says, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?" The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice, that he agrees. When the couple finishes, the doctor says, "There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse."
He thanks them for coming, wishes them good luck, charges them $50, and says goodbye to them. The next week, however, the couple returns and asks the therapist to watch again. The therapist is a bit puzzled, but he agrees. This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problem, and pays the doctor, then leaves. Finally, after 5 weeks of this routine, the doctor says, I'm sorry, but I have to ask you something. Just what are you trying to find out?" The old man says, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married so we can't go to her house. I'm married, so we can't go to mine. The Holiday Inn charges $98 and the Hilton charges $139. We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from my Blue Cross health insurance.
A chicken farmer went into a local tavern and took a seat at the bar next to a woman patron and ordered a glass of champagne.
The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!"
He turned to her and said, "What a coincidence. This is a special day for me; I'm celebrating."
"This is a special day for me, too, and I'm also celebrating!," says the woman.
"What a coincidence," says the man. They clinked glasses and he asked, "What are you celebrating?"
"My husband and I have been trying to have a child," she replied. "Today, my gynaecologist told me I'm pregnant!"
"What a coincidence," says the man. "I'm a chicken farmer. For years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally fertile."
"That's great!" says the woman, "how did your chickens become fertile?"
"I switched cocks," he replied.
"What a coincidence," she said
The Italian says, "When I've a finished a makina da love
I go down and gently tickle the back of her knees, she floats
6 inches above a da bed in ecstacy."
The Frenchman replies. "zat is noting, when Ah've finished making
ze love, Ah kiss all ze way down her body, and zen Ah
lick za soles of her feet wiz mah tongue, and she floats 12 inches
above ze bed in pure ecstasy."
The redneck says, "That aint nothing. When I've finished porkin
the ole lady, I git out of bed, walk over to the window and wipe my
weener on the curtains. She hits the freakin' ceiling."
You have to understand American humer to get this one!
There was this old woman who heard a song called "Two Lips and Seven Kisses." She called up information after hearing the song on the radio to get the name of the record company. In dialing, she erroneously called up a gas station, and she asks, "Do you have "Two Lips and Seven Kisses?"
The gas station attendant who answered the phone said, "No, but I have two nuts and seven inches!"
So the woman asked, "Is this a record?"
To which the man replied, "No, its average!"