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Jokes Sorted by Rate (793 Available)
By: asfoor
A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for
a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him. The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink.
He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."
The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me too, I didn't know we had a choice.
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A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for
a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him. The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink.
He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."
The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me too, I didn't know we had a choice.
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By: asfoor
One Monday morning a mailman is walking the neighborhood on his usual
route. As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were in
the driveway. His wonder was cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out
with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles.
"Wow Bob, looks like you guys had one heck of a party last night." the
mailman comments.
Bob in obvious pain replies, "Actually we had it Saturday night. This
is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had
about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for a halloween
party and it got a bit wild. We got so drunk around midnight that we
started playing WHO AM I?"
The mailman thinks a moment and says, "How do you play that?"
"Well all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with
a sheet covering us and only our "privates" showing through a hole in the
sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is."
The mailman laughs and says, "Damn, I'm sorry I missed that."
"Probably a good thing you did," Bob responds, "Your name came up four
or five times."
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One Monday morning a mailman is walking the neighborhood on his usual
route. As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were in
the driveway. His wonder was cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out
with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles.
"Wow Bob, looks like you guys had one heck of a party last night." the
mailman comments.
Bob in obvious pain replies, "Actually we had it Saturday night. This
is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had
about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for a halloween
party and it got a bit wild. We got so drunk around midnight that we
started playing WHO AM I?"
The mailman thinks a moment and says, "How do you play that?"
"Well all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with
a sheet covering us and only our "privates" showing through a hole in the
sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is."
The mailman laughs and says, "Damn, I'm sorry I missed that."
"Probably a good thing you did," Bob responds, "Your name came up four
or five times."
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By: AZ
She came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. The wife was VERY upset!
"You are a disrespectful pig!" she cried. "How dare you do this to me - a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce straight away!"
And he replied:
"Hang on just a minute luv, so at least I can tell you what happened"
"Fine, go ahead", she sobbed, " but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!"
And he began:
"Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenceless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty.
She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days! So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor
thing devoured them in moments.
Since she needed a good clean-up I suggested a shower and while she was doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had
for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.
I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair like them.."
He took a quick breath and continued:
"She was so grateful for my understanding and help and as I walked her to the door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said '"Please........do you have anything else that
your wife doesn't use?'
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She came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. The wife was VERY upset!
"You are a disrespectful pig!" she cried. "How dare you do this to me - a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce straight away!"
And he replied:
"Hang on just a minute luv, so at least I can tell you what happened"
"Fine, go ahead", she sobbed, " but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!"
And he began:
"Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenceless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty.
She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days! So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor
thing devoured them in moments.
Since she needed a good clean-up I suggested a shower and while she was doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had
for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.
I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair like them.."
He took a quick breath and continued:
"She was so grateful for my understanding and help and as I walked her to the door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said '"Please........do you have anything else that
your wife doesn't use?'
Rate
By: asfoor
Because Dave works hard at the plant and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym, his wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.
The doorman at the club greets them and says, ''Hey, Dave! How ya doin?'' His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. ''Oh no,'' says Dave. ''He's on my bowling team.''
When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual Budweiser. His wife is becoming uncomfortable and says, ''You must come here a lot for that woman to know you drink Budweiser.'' ''No, honey, she's in the Ladies Bowling League. We share lanes with them.'' A stripper comes over to their table and throws her arms around Dave. ''Hi, Davey,'' she says, ''Want your usual table dance?''
Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her and she starts screaming at him.
The cabby turns his head and says, ''Looks like you picked up a real doozie this time, Dave!''
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Because Dave works hard at the plant and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym, his wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.
The doorman at the club greets them and says, ''Hey, Dave! How ya doin?'' His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. ''Oh no,'' says Dave. ''He's on my bowling team.''
When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual Budweiser. His wife is becoming uncomfortable and says, ''You must come here a lot for that woman to know you drink Budweiser.'' ''No, honey, she's in the Ladies Bowling League. We share lanes with them.'' A stripper comes over to their table and throws her arms around Dave. ''Hi, Davey,'' she says, ''Want your usual table dance?''
Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her and she starts screaming at him.
The cabby turns his head and says, ''Looks like you picked up a real doozie this time, Dave!''
Rate
By: Asfoor
A guy sitting at a bar at Heathrow Terminal 3 noticed a really beautiful woman sitting next to him.
He thought to himself: "Wow, she's so gorgeous she must be a flight attendant. But which airline does she work for?"
Hoping to pick her up, he leaned towards her and said the Delta Airline slogan: "Love to fly and it shows?". She gave him a confused look and he immediately thought to himself: "Damn, she doesn't work for Delta Airlines."
A moment later, another slogan popped into his head. He leaned towards her again, "Something special in the air?". She gave him the same confused look.
He then removed Singapore Airlines off the list.
Next he tried the Thai Airways slogan: "Smooth as Silk". This time the woman turned to him "What the fuck do you want?"
The man smiled, then laid back in his chair, and said "Ahhhhh, Royal Jordanian!"
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A guy sitting at a bar at Heathrow Terminal 3 noticed a really beautiful woman sitting next to him.
He thought to himself: "Wow, she's so gorgeous she must be a flight attendant. But which airline does she work for?"
Hoping to pick her up, he leaned towards her and said the Delta Airline slogan: "Love to fly and it shows?". She gave him a confused look and he immediately thought to himself: "Damn, she doesn't work for Delta Airlines."
A moment later, another slogan popped into his head. He leaned towards her again, "Something special in the air?". She gave him the same confused look.
He then removed Singapore Airlines off the list.
Next he tried the Thai Airways slogan: "Smooth as Silk". This time the woman turned to him "What the fuck do you want?"
The man smiled, then laid back in his chair, and said "Ahhhhh, Royal Jordanian!"
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By: asfoor
A young man and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town, doing what boys and girls do on back roads some distance from town, when the girl stopped the boy.
"I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex." The boy reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing.
After a cigarette, the boy just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window. "Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl.
"Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25."
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A young man and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town, doing what boys and girls do on back roads some distance from town, when the girl stopped the boy.
"I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex." The boy reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing.
After a cigarette, the boy just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window. "Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl.
"Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25."
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By: asfoor
A Newfoundland couple, both well into their seventies, go to a sex therapist's office. The doctor says, "What can I do for you?"
The man says, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?" The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice, that he agrees. When the couple finishes, the doctor says, "There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse."
He thanks them for coming, wishes them good luck, charges them $50, and says goodbye to them. The next week, however, the couple returns and asks the therapist to watch again. The therapist is a bit puzzled, but he agrees. This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problem, and pays the doctor, then leaves. Finally, after 5 weeks of this routine, the doctor says, I'm sorry, but I have to ask you something. Just what are you trying to find out?" The old man says, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married so we can't go to her house. I'm married, so we can't go to mine. The Holiday Inn charges $98 and the Hilton charges $139. We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from my Blue Cross health insurance.
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A Newfoundland couple, both well into their seventies, go to a sex therapist's office. The doctor says, "What can I do for you?"
The man says, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?" The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice, that he agrees. When the couple finishes, the doctor says, "There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse."
He thanks them for coming, wishes them good luck, charges them $50, and says goodbye to them. The next week, however, the couple returns and asks the therapist to watch again. The therapist is a bit puzzled, but he agrees. This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problem, and pays the doctor, then leaves. Finally, after 5 weeks of this routine, the doctor says, I'm sorry, but I have to ask you something. Just what are you trying to find out?" The old man says, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married so we can't go to her house. I'm married, so we can't go to mine. The Holiday Inn charges $98 and the Hilton charges $139. We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from my Blue Cross health insurance.
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By: asfoor
A chicken farmer went into a local tavern and took a seat at the bar next to a woman patron and ordered a glass of champagne.
The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!"
He turned to her and said, "What a coincidence. This is a special day for me; I'm celebrating."
"This is a special day for me, too, and I'm also celebrating!," says the woman.
"What a coincidence," says the man. They clinked glasses and he asked, "What are you celebrating?"
"My husband and I have been trying to have a child," she replied. "Today, my gynaecologist told me I'm pregnant!"
"What a coincidence," says the man. "I'm a chicken farmer. For years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally fertile."
"That's great!" says the woman, "how did your chickens become fertile?"
"I switched cocks," he replied.
"What a coincidence," she said
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A chicken farmer went into a local tavern and took a seat at the bar next to a woman patron and ordered a glass of champagne.
The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!"
He turned to her and said, "What a coincidence. This is a special day for me; I'm celebrating."
"This is a special day for me, too, and I'm also celebrating!," says the woman.
"What a coincidence," says the man. They clinked glasses and he asked, "What are you celebrating?"
"My husband and I have been trying to have a child," she replied. "Today, my gynaecologist told me I'm pregnant!"
"What a coincidence," says the man. "I'm a chicken farmer. For years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally fertile."
"That's great!" says the woman, "how did your chickens become fertile?"
"I switched cocks," he replied.
"What a coincidence," she said
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By: asfoor
The Italian says, "When I've a finished a makina da love
I go down and gently tickle the back of her knees, she floats
6 inches above a da bed in ecstacy."
The Frenchman replies. "zat is noting, when Ah've finished making
ze love, Ah kiss all ze way down her body, and zen Ah
lick za soles of her feet wiz mah tongue, and she floats 12 inches
above ze bed in pure ecstasy."
The redneck says, "That aint nothing. When I've finished porkin
the ole lady, I git out of bed, walk over to the window and wipe my
weener on the curtains. She hits the freakin' ceiling."
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The Italian says, "When I've a finished a makina da love
I go down and gently tickle the back of her knees, she floats
6 inches above a da bed in ecstacy."
The Frenchman replies. "zat is noting, when Ah've finished making
ze love, Ah kiss all ze way down her body, and zen Ah
lick za soles of her feet wiz mah tongue, and she floats 12 inches
above ze bed in pure ecstasy."
The redneck says, "That aint nothing. When I've finished porkin
the ole lady, I git out of bed, walk over to the window and wipe my
weener on the curtains. She hits the freakin' ceiling."
Rate
By: asfoor
THE BLACK PANTIES
Anna had lost her husband almost 4 yrs ago. Her daughter was constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the world. Finally, Anna said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately replied, "Mom! I have
someone for you to meet." Well, it was an immediate hit.
They took to one another, and after dating for a couple of weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Wisconsin. Their first night there, she undressed as he did. There she stood nude, except for a pair of black lacy panties, he was in his birthday suit.
Looking her over, he asked, "Why the black panties?" She replied: "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning." He knew he was not getting lucky that night. The following night was the same she stood there wearing the black panties, and he was in his birthday suit--but now he was wearing a black condom. She looked at him & asked : "What's with the black condom?"
He replied, "I want to offer my deepest condolences."
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THE BLACK PANTIES
Anna had lost her husband almost 4 yrs ago. Her daughter was constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the world. Finally, Anna said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately replied, "Mom! I have
someone for you to meet." Well, it was an immediate hit.
They took to one another, and after dating for a couple of weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Wisconsin. Their first night there, she undressed as he did. There she stood nude, except for a pair of black lacy panties, he was in his birthday suit.
Looking her over, he asked, "Why the black panties?" She replied: "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning." He knew he was not getting lucky that night. The following night was the same she stood there wearing the black panties, and he was in his birthday suit--but now he was wearing a black condom. She looked at him & asked : "What's with the black condom?"
He replied, "I want to offer my deepest condolences."
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By: asfoor
You have to understand American humer to get this one!
There was this old woman who heard a song called "Two Lips and Seven Kisses." She called up information after hearing the song on the radio to get the name of the record company. In dialing, she erroneously called up a gas station, and she asks, "Do you have "Two Lips and Seven Kisses?"
The gas station attendant who answered the phone said, "No, but I have two nuts and seven inches!"
So the woman asked, "Is this a record?"
To which the man replied, "No, its average!"
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You have to understand American humer to get this one!
There was this old woman who heard a song called "Two Lips and Seven Kisses." She called up information after hearing the song on the radio to get the name of the record company. In dialing, she erroneously called up a gas station, and she asks, "Do you have "Two Lips and Seven Kisses?"
The gas station attendant who answered the phone said, "No, but I have two nuts and seven inches!"
So the woman asked, "Is this a record?"
To which the man replied, "No, its average!"
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By: mairj45
A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. They never smell and are always silent."
"As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was farting, because they don't smell and are quite silent."
The doctor says, "I see. Please take two of these pills each day, and come back to see me next week."
The next week the lady comes back.
"Doctor", she says, "I don't know what you gave me, but now my farts - though still silent- really stink terribly."
The doctor replies, "Good!!! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing... "
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A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. They never smell and are always silent."
"As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was farting, because they don't smell and are quite silent."
The doctor says, "I see. Please take two of these pills each day, and come back to see me next week."
The next week the lady comes back.
"Doctor", she says, "I don't know what you gave me, but now my farts - though still silent- really stink terribly."
The doctor replies, "Good!!! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing... "
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By: asfoor
Hung Chow calls into work and says, "Hey, I no come work today, I really sick. Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work."
The boss says, "You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that."
Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. "I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon......... You got nice house."
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Hung Chow calls into work and says, "Hey, I no come work today, I really sick. Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work."
The boss says, "You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that."
Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. "I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon......... You got nice house."
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By: asfoor
A city cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little girl stopped beside him on her shiny new bike.
Nice bike," the cop said, "Did Santa bring it to you?" "Yep," the little girl said, "He sure did!"
The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $20 ticket for a safety violation, saying, "Next year tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it."
The young girl looked up at the cop and said, "Nice horse you got there sir, did Santa bring it to you?" "Yes, he sure did," chuckled the cop.
The little girl looked up at the cop and said, "Next year tell Santa the dick goes underneath the horse, not on top.
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A city cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little girl stopped beside him on her shiny new bike.
Nice bike," the cop said, "Did Santa bring it to you?" "Yep," the little girl said, "He sure did!"
The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $20 ticket for a safety violation, saying, "Next year tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it."
The young girl looked up at the cop and said, "Nice horse you got there sir, did Santa bring it to you?" "Yes, he sure did," chuckled the cop.
The little girl looked up at the cop and said, "Next year tell Santa the dick goes underneath the horse, not on top.
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By: Hovig
Q: A homsi ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it in six or twelve pieces.
A: "Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces."
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Q: A homsi ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it in six or twelve pieces.
A: "Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces."
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Most of the jokes in this section of the Electronic Magazine are not written by the webmasters. If you find the jokes offending, Souria.com does not assume any responsibility nor will it entertain any complaints regarding the jokes. They are not meant to be racist or offend anyone. If you would rather not read these jokes, please leave this section.
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