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Jokes Sorted by Rate (759 Available)
By: asfoor
A very loud, unattractive, mean woman walked into Wal-Mart in Blufton , SC with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
The Wal-Mart Greeter (a retired MP Colonel) says "Good morning, and welcome
to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"
The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Hell no they ain't. The oldest one's 9 and the other one's 6. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?
"I'm neither blind nor stupid", replied the Greeter. "I just couldn't believe you got laid twice."
Rate
A very loud, unattractive, mean woman walked into Wal-Mart in Blufton , SC with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
The Wal-Mart Greeter (a retired MP Colonel) says "Good morning, and welcome
to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"
The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Hell no they ain't. The oldest one's 9 and the other one's 6. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?
"I'm neither blind nor stupid", replied the Greeter. "I just couldn't believe you got laid twice."
Rate
By: asfoor
A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for
a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him. The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink.
He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."
The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me too, I didn't know we had a choice.
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A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for
a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him. The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink.
He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."
The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me too, I didn't know we had a choice.
Rate
By: asfoor
One Monday morning a mailman is walking the neighborhood on his usual
route. As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were in
the driveway. His wonder was cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out
with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles.
"Wow Bob, looks like you guys had one heck of a party last night." the
mailman comments.
Bob in obvious pain replies, "Actually we had it Saturday night. This
is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had
about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for a halloween
party and it got a bit wild. We got so drunk around midnight that we
started playing WHO AM I?"
The mailman thinks a moment and says, "How do you play that?"
"Well all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with
a sheet covering us and only our "privates" showing through a hole in the
sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is."
The mailman laughs and says, "Damn, I'm sorry I missed that."
"Probably a good thing you did," Bob responds, "Your name came up four
or five times."
Rate
One Monday morning a mailman is walking the neighborhood on his usual
route. As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were in
the driveway. His wonder was cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out
with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles.
"Wow Bob, looks like you guys had one heck of a party last night." the
mailman comments.
Bob in obvious pain replies, "Actually we had it Saturday night. This
is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had
about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for a halloween
party and it got a bit wild. We got so drunk around midnight that we
started playing WHO AM I?"
The mailman thinks a moment and says, "How do you play that?"
"Well all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with
a sheet covering us and only our "privates" showing through a hole in the
sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is."
The mailman laughs and says, "Damn, I'm sorry I missed that."
"Probably a good thing you did," Bob responds, "Your name came up four
or five times."
Rate
By: asfoor
A Miracle !
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man; that's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days." Flattered, the man replied, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely!" "This must be a sign from God!" The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man. The man asks, "Aren't you having any?" The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police..."
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A Miracle !
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man; that's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days." Flattered, the man replied, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely!" "This must be a sign from God!" The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man. The man asks, "Aren't you having any?" The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police..."
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By: Yazan
Man was praying to god.
He said, "God?"
God responded, " Yes?"
And the Guy said, " Can I ask a question?"
"Go right ahead", God said.
"God, what is a million years to you?"
God said, "A million years to me is only a second."
The man wondered.
Then he asked, "God, what is a million dollars worth to you?"
God said, "A million dollars to me is a penny."
So the man said, " God can I have a penny?"
And God cheerfully said,
"Sure!....... just a second."
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Man was praying to god.
He said, "God?"
God responded, " Yes?"
And the Guy said, " Can I ask a question?"
"Go right ahead", God said.
"God, what is a million years to you?"
God said, "A million years to me is only a second."
The man wondered.
Then he asked, "God, what is a million dollars worth to you?"
God said, "A million dollars to me is a penny."
So the man said, " God can I have a penny?"
And God cheerfully said,
"Sure!....... just a second."
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By: Adam
Oneday a man asked a women, Do u wanna have a MAGIC SEX ?!!! the women replied "How we could do that ?!!! He answered , Well we sleep together and then you Disappear loool
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Oneday a man asked a women, Do u wanna have a MAGIC SEX ?!!! the women replied "How we could do that ?!!! He answered , Well we sleep together and then you Disappear loool
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By: asfoor
A young Japanese girl had been taught all her life that when
She married she was to please her husband and never upset him.
So the first morning of her honeymoon the young Japanese
Bride crawled out of bed after making love, stooped down to pick up
her husband's clothes and accidentally lets out a big fart.
She looked up and said, "Aww so sowwy, excuse prease,
front hole so happy, back hole laugh out loud"
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A young Japanese girl had been taught all her life that when
She married she was to please her husband and never upset him.
So the first morning of her honeymoon the young Japanese
Bride crawled out of bed after making love, stooped down to pick up
her husband's clothes and accidentally lets out a big fart.
She looked up and said, "Aww so sowwy, excuse prease,
front hole so happy, back hole laugh out loud"
Rate
By: AZ
She came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. The wife was VERY upset!
"You are a disrespectful pig!" she cried. "How dare you do this to me - a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce straight away!"
And he replied:
"Hang on just a minute luv, so at least I can tell you what happened"
"Fine, go ahead", she sobbed, " but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!"
And he began:
"Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenceless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty.
She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days! So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor
thing devoured them in moments.
Since she needed a good clean-up I suggested a shower and while she was doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had
for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.
I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair like them.."
He took a quick breath and continued:
"She was so grateful for my understanding and help and as I walked her to the door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said '"Please........do you have anything else that
your wife doesn't use?'
Rate
She came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. The wife was VERY upset!
"You are a disrespectful pig!" she cried. "How dare you do this to me - a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce straight away!"
And he replied:
"Hang on just a minute luv, so at least I can tell you what happened"
"Fine, go ahead", she sobbed, " but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!"
And he began:
"Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenceless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty.
She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days! So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor
thing devoured them in moments.
Since she needed a good clean-up I suggested a shower and while she was doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had
for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.
I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair like them.."
He took a quick breath and continued:
"She was so grateful for my understanding and help and as I walked her to the door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said '"Please........do you have anything else that
your wife doesn't use?'
Rate
By: Muhannad Khoja
Wife : Do you want dinner?
Husband : Sure, what are my choices?
Wife : Yes and no
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Wife : Do you want dinner?
Husband : Sure, what are my choices?
Wife : Yes and no
Rate
By: asfoor
An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several
years. He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for
swimming, so he fixed it up nice -- picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and
some apple and peach trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he
hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five
gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with
glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women
skinny-dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the
deep end. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until
you leave!"
The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim
naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he
said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."
Moral: Some old men can still think fast...
Rate
An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several
years. He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for
swimming, so he fixed it up nice -- picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and
some apple and peach trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he
hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five
gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with
glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women
skinny-dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the
deep end. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until
you leave!"
The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim
naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he
said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."
Moral: Some old men can still think fast...
Rate
By: asfoor
Some people grow old gracefully, while others fight and scratch the whole way.
Andy's wife, refusing to give in to the looks of growing old, goes out and buys a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger.
After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the "miracle" products, she asks her husband - "Darling, honestly, if you didn't know me, what age would you say I am?"
Looking over her carefully, Andy replied,...
"Judging from your skin, twenty; your hair, eighteen; and your figure, twenty five."
"Oh, you flatterer!" she gushed. Just as she was about to tell Andy his reward, he stops her by saying...
"WHOA, hold on there sweety!" Andy interrupted.
"I haven't added them up yet!"
Rate
Some people grow old gracefully, while others fight and scratch the whole way.
Andy's wife, refusing to give in to the looks of growing old, goes out and buys a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger.
After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the "miracle" products, she asks her husband - "Darling, honestly, if you didn't know me, what age would you say I am?"
Looking over her carefully, Andy replied,...
"Judging from your skin, twenty; your hair, eighteen; and your figure, twenty five."
"Oh, you flatterer!" she gushed. Just as she was about to tell Andy his reward, he stops her by saying...
"WHOA, hold on there sweety!" Andy interrupted.
"I haven't added them up yet!"
Rate
By: asfoor
Because Dave works hard at the plant and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym, his wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.
The doorman at the club greets them and says, ''Hey, Dave! How ya doin?'' His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. ''Oh no,'' says Dave. ''He's on my bowling team.''
When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual Budweiser. His wife is becoming uncomfortable and says, ''You must come here a lot for that woman to know you drink Budweiser.'' ''No, honey, she's in the Ladies Bowling League. We share lanes with them.'' A stripper comes over to their table and throws her arms around Dave. ''Hi, Davey,'' she says, ''Want your usual table dance?''
Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her and she starts screaming at him.
The cabby turns his head and says, ''Looks like you picked up a real doozie this time, Dave!''
Rate
Because Dave works hard at the plant and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym, his wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.
The doorman at the club greets them and says, ''Hey, Dave! How ya doin?'' His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. ''Oh no,'' says Dave. ''He's on my bowling team.''
When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual Budweiser. His wife is becoming uncomfortable and says, ''You must come here a lot for that woman to know you drink Budweiser.'' ''No, honey, she's in the Ladies Bowling League. We share lanes with them.'' A stripper comes over to their table and throws her arms around Dave. ''Hi, Davey,'' she says, ''Want your usual table dance?''
Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her and she starts screaming at him.
The cabby turns his head and says, ''Looks like you picked up a real doozie this time, Dave!''
Rate
By: alex
Three guys and a lady were sitting at the bar talking about their professions.
The first guy says " I'm a Y.U.P.P.I.E, you know... Young, Urban, Professional, Peaceful, Intelligent, Ecologist."
The second guy says "I'm a D.I.N.K, you know... Double Income, No Kids."
The third guy says, " I'm a R.U.B, you know... Rich, Urban, Biker."
They turn to the woman and ask her, " What are you? "
She replies: " I'm a WIFE, you know...
Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc."
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Three guys and a lady were sitting at the bar talking about their professions.
The first guy says " I'm a Y.U.P.P.I.E, you know... Young, Urban, Professional, Peaceful, Intelligent, Ecologist."
The second guy says "I'm a D.I.N.K, you know... Double Income, No Kids."
The third guy says, " I'm a R.U.B, you know... Rich, Urban, Biker."
They turn to the woman and ask her, " What are you? "
She replies: " I'm a WIFE, you know...
Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc."
Rate
By: Asfoor
A guy sitting at a bar at Heathrow Terminal 3 noticed a really beautiful woman sitting next to him.
He thought to himself: "Wow, she's so gorgeous she must be a flight attendant. But which airline does she work for?"
Hoping to pick her up, he leaned towards her and said the Delta Airline slogan: "Love to fly and it shows?". She gave him a confused look and he immediately thought to himself: "Damn, she doesn't work for Delta Airlines."
A moment later, another slogan popped into his head. He leaned towards her again, "Something special in the air?". She gave him the same confused look.
He then removed Singapore Airlines off the list.
Next he tried the Thai Airways slogan: "Smooth as Silk". This time the woman turned to him "What the fuck do you want?"
The man smiled, then laid back in his chair, and said "Ahhhhh, Royal Jordanian!"
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A guy sitting at a bar at Heathrow Terminal 3 noticed a really beautiful woman sitting next to him.
He thought to himself: "Wow, she's so gorgeous she must be a flight attendant. But which airline does she work for?"
Hoping to pick her up, he leaned towards her and said the Delta Airline slogan: "Love to fly and it shows?". She gave him a confused look and he immediately thought to himself: "Damn, she doesn't work for Delta Airlines."
A moment later, another slogan popped into his head. He leaned towards her again, "Something special in the air?". She gave him the same confused look.
He then removed Singapore Airlines off the list.
Next he tried the Thai Airways slogan: "Smooth as Silk". This time the woman turned to him "What the fuck do you want?"
The man smiled, then laid back in his chair, and said "Ahhhhh, Royal Jordanian!"
Rate
By: asfoor
A young man and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town, doing what boys and girls do on back roads some distance from town, when the girl stopped the boy.
"I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex." The boy reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing.
After a cigarette, the boy just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window. "Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl.
"Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25."
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A young man and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town, doing what boys and girls do on back roads some distance from town, when the girl stopped the boy.
"I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex." The boy reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing.
After a cigarette, the boy just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window. "Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl.
"Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25."
Rate
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Most of the jokes in this section of the Electronic Magazine are not written by the webmasters. If you find the jokes offending, Souria.com does not assume any responsibility nor will it entertain any complaints regarding the jokes. They are not meant to be racist or offend anyone. If you would rather not read these jokes, please leave this section.
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