One afternoon a wealthy lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?" "We don't have money for food," the poor man replied. "Well, then, you can come with me to my house" the lawyer said. "But sir , I have a wife and two children with me." "Bring them along," the lawyer replied. Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us also." The second man then, in a pitiful voice said, "But sir, I also have a wife and six children with me!" "Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered. They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine. Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking us all. The lawyer replied, " Glad to do it.......... You'll love my place; The grass is almost a foot high."
After Christmas vacation, an elementary school teacher was asking her students how they celebrated Christmas. When she got to Sammy, whose father ran a local toy store, she said, "Sammy, since you're Jewish, I guess your family didn't celebrate Christmas."
Sammy replied, "Oh yes, we did. We all held hands and danced around the cash register singing, "What A Friend We Have In Jesus."
A snail was dreafull walking to a bar for a drink, and just as he got there.. the bar was closing. so he asked the bartender please I need a drink! the bartender goes: get the hell outta here you miserable snail, and kicks the snail as hard as he could.
two years after.. the snail came back to the bar. so the bartender looked at the snail in disgust and said NOW What do you want ha?
so the snail says: what the hell did you do that for???
By: moe El boury
A homsi ordered a pizza then the clerk said do you want me to cut it into 6 or 12 pieces then the homsi said 6 i could never eat 12.
A woman went to a pet shop & spotted a large, beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00. “Why so little,” she asked the pet store owner. The owner looked at her & said, “Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution, & sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff.”
The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home & hung the bird’s cage up in her living room & waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, & said, “New house, new madam.”
The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought “that’s really not so bad.” When her 2 teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw & said,”New house, new madam, new girls.”
The girls & the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how & where the parrot had been raised.
Moments later, the woman’s husband Keith came home from work.
The bird looked at him & said, “Hi, Keith.”
Oneday a man asked a women, Do u wanna have a MAGIC SEX ?!!! the women replied "How we could do that ?!!! He answered , Well we sleep together and then you Disappear loool
By: Samir Khoury
A Greek and Italian were sitting in a Starbuck's
one day discussing who had the superior culture.
Over triple lattes the Greek guy says,
"Well, we have the Parthenon."
Arching his eyebrows, the Italian replies,
"We have the Coliseum."
The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave
birth to advanced mathematics."
The Italian, nodding agreement, says,
"But we built the Roman Empire"
And so on and so on until the Greek comes up
with what he thinks will end the discussion.
With a flourish of finality he says, "We invented sex!"
The Italian replies, "That is true, but it was
the Italians who introduced it to women."
This could happen to you.
I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying:
"Hi, how are you?"
I'm not the type to start a conversation in the restroom but I don't know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed,
"Doin' just fine!"
And the other person says:
"So what are you up to?"
What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say:
"Uhhh, I'm like you, just traveling!"
At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question.
"Can I come over?"
Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation. I tell them
"No.......I'm a little busy right now!!!"
Then I hear the person say nervously...
"Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions.
what did the right butt cheak say to the left butt cheak? dont talk to the guy in the middle he's an asshole
Men Are Just Happier People:
What do you expect from such simple creatures?
Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000; Tux rental-$100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
Occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life. Your belly usually hides your big hips. One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache. You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
No wonder men are happier!
Daddy? How did I come into this world?"
"Well, my child, some day I'll have to tell you any way, so why not today?
Please, listen carefully." Mom and Dad met each other in a cyber café.
In the Restrooms of that cyber café, dad connected to mom.
Mom at that time made some downloads from dad's memory Stick.
When dad finished uploading we discovered we Used no firewall.
Since it was too late to cancel or Delete, nine months later we ended up with a virus.
A very old lady decided to buy a mansion one day. So she did. She didn't know what to name her mansion. So she told herself " The first thing that comes on the radio tomorrow will be the name of my mansion." So the next morning she turned on the radio and the first thing was "hairybutt" So she named her masnion hairybutt. The next day she decided to get a cat. So she did. She didnt know what to name her cat. So she told herself "The first thing that comes on the radio tomorrow will be the name of my cat." So the next morning she turned on the radio and the first thing was "crack" So she named her cat crack. One day crack got lost. So she went to the poilice station and told the police officer " I looked all over my hairybutt but I couldn't find my crack?!"
By: Anti Crime
A husband said to his wife, "I will take a photo of your breasts and frame it ."
The wife said to her husband, "I will take a photo of your penis and enlarge it."
A female police officer pulls over a drunk driver that was driving down the wrong side of the road
The officer says:
-"Sir, you are under arrest, anything you're going to say can and will be held against you"
-"0.k.!" replied the drunk driver "Your Tits!"
two blondes are sitting together on a bench then one blonde says to the other, "ok. let's play a game...which is closer, the Moon or Florida?" 'Duuuuuuuhhhhhhh..the Moon...can you see Florida?"